MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOURISHED BY REFLECTIONS AND SOMETIMES UNCROSSABLE BARRIERS.
They constitute the core of our feminine identity, of how we are, how we feel, how we think and how we do.
Etymologically, MOTHER comes from the Latin mater and means female who has given birth, female with respect to her child or children, womb in which the fetus develops. SON comes from the Latin filius and means a person or animal with respect to his or her father or mother, a person who comes from or comes from another through procreation.
When we talk about types of mother-types of daughter we express the relationship between a woman and her daughter from which the first human relationships of age were established: the generation of mothers and that of daughters.
In the beginning there was no other affiliation than blood relationship with the mothers since they were the cultural reference of all individuals. The mother is the being that frees us from the anguish of the possibility of having appeared through spontaneous generation. The first mythical mothers are single women, heads of clans, a type of female deities in that they represent the first cultural acquisitions of humanity. Mothers transmitted knowledge and their experiences but, when patriarchy arrived, they lost their own history. The woman, the mother, fundamentally through continued observation of her own body, discovers the role of the man in fertilization and lets him know it.
There are as many types of mothers as there are women in our world and, in turn, as many daughters who suffer throughout their lives from the results of an inheritance acquired from their parents… The mother listens, responds to her daughter as she is and as she acts. ; She is not governed by her own desires or by the image of herself that she projects onto her daughter and she learns to treat her, not as the girl she was but as a woman. Likewise, the daughter will address her mother as an adult and not as the woman she adored and also hated. Thus, at the time, the separation will not be so hard, since the process of separation has begun from birth and will develop throughout life.
When the growth process in the mother-daughter relationship stops, a psychological trap appears that they will recognize as adults, when they both identify their needs. There are daughters who hate their mother and others who adore her, each relationship is different and, at the same time, fascinating; The life of a mother is hers and the life of a daughter is hers.
Many of us have been raised to believe that motherly love is unique and different from other types of love. The first reading we did at school assured us: “My mother loves me.” Mom could not be wrong, nor doubt, nor be ambivalent or contradictory, as happened in other loves. Then we heard the saying: “Like wood, like wood” and the myth arose of the perfect mother and the good and also perfect daughter who immediately fell apart and was left out of reality.
Many times we have asked ourselves: Do mother-daughter bonds go beyond time? Why do we reject bodily gestures and turns of language that are carbon copies of those that mother makes? Love-hate seem inseparable in this first and essential connection, always with the shadow of guilt stalking us and, of course, anguish.
TYPES OF MOTHERS-TYPES OF DAUGHTERS:
The relationship with the mother is one of the most important in the life of any woman. When we are children we adore it, during puberty we detest it, during adolescence we fight with it and when we are adults we tend to understand and value it. If we have children we realize what it means to educate people, to have the formation of human beings under our responsibility; So we began to think that our mother did everything to the best of her ability and, of course, working hard. The mother-daughter relationship is mutant, it changes as times and people evolve. It cannot be easily defined or transmitted, it transforms. Every woman builds in this bond the core of herself and her own feminine identity, of how she is, how she feels, how she thinks and how she acts.
When we find a type of mother-daughter relationship where certain difficulties appear, we must investigate the previous history to understand certain deficiencies or deficits in the ability to be a mother. Furthermore, not all women have the same degree of interest in becoming mothers and this fact is natural. Many people have developed this facet in professional activities: teachers, caregivers of babies and children, social animators, nurses…, it is not the exclusive heritage of women-mothers.
To be a mother you need the capacity for dedication, altruism and differentiation between your own experiences and those of your child, since we cannot place unmet expectations on them or burden them with personal compensations. However, we will always go through situations in which, on the one hand, there will be sociocultural judgments and mandates that will order us to fulfill our role as mothers in a certain way and, on the other hand, our human nature, our feelings and contradictions, ultimately our heart with her rules”.
- SUFFOCATING AND OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER: “Inside herself she carries a helpless girl who is always afraid.”
This type of mother will protect her children excessively so that they do not suffer or feel fear as she does. She constantly interferes in her daughter’s life and does not tolerate her daughter breaking with the model or questioning it critically. The daughter becomes a little person who is always too childish, immature and stuck in a certain stage of her life. She takes excessive care of her daughter to hide her problems and causes her a feeling of fragility. This type of mother suffers a lot, she does not relax, she imagines multiple dangers that threaten her children and is continually active to take care of them; For her, they are defenseless and have no resources to move forward.
SHE IS THE MOTHER WHO CAN EVERYTHING, she is always there in the face of the slightest setback with little life of her own because she lives the life of her daughter. The latter, for her part, believes she cannot cope without her mother, and brings her mother with her to her house or they live very close, even in the same building. They are girls afraid of any novelty (friendships, activities, ways of thinking…) who grow and evolve when the mother has disappeared or is relegated to a part of their life. When the daughter is small she is controlled, but when puberty arrives things become complicated, the mother becomes distressed when the girl asks for freedom and, without realizing it, she tends to solve her big and small problems, causing a lack of autonomy and a certain helplessness whose Consequently, it translates into a permanent demand from the mother. In adolescence, certain tensions appear as the daughter rebels to free herself from internal ties.
THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER AFFECTIVELY DEPENDS ON HER CHILDREN.
Overprotective mother:
-She continually repeats to her daughter how much she loves her.
-She makes food for her, cleans her room…everything that the daughter should do or at least collaborate to do it.
-Has invasive behavior and expresses itself with detours or evasion. -She rejects evolution in her own life, she lives to be a mother.
-She has few friends, she just wants to be close to her daughter.
-Most common expressions: “Don’t go too far”, “be careful”…
Overprotected daughter:
-She doesn’t put herself to the test so as not to lose her mother’s affection.
-She is good and obedient, she does not ask, she always waits for others to give.
-She retreats from authority and conforms to her partner.
-She is always calling her mother, she is the one who dominates her.
This type of daughter must try to claim her own life and not be the same as her mother. It is also not advisable to tell the mother about the things that are planned, so she will not give her opinion.
2. CONTROLLING, DOMINANT AND ABSORBENT MOTHER: “Overwhelming her daughter with strict rules that only make sense to her is her ultimate goal… transferring all her doubts and fears to her.”
This type of mother “devours her daughter.” Investigate to know each and every detail of her life because for her own personal fulfillment she needs to be linked to her daughter.
Controlling mother:
– She is always where her daughter may need her, but only she can count on her support without opposing her.
– Recommends to her daughter men that she herself can control.
– Does not respect his daughter’s physical or emotional boundaries.
Controlled daughter:
– She cannot exist without her mother because she has many fears.
– When she is alone, her mother is still in her thoughts “protecting her.”
– She speaks with expressions like his own mother.
– She thinks that her mother is capable of seeing things that she does not see.
– She proclaims the similarities between her mother and her. This type of daughter must overcome fear, not feel sorry for herself or seek her mother’s approval in all her decisions.
3. NARCISSISTIC, BEAUTIFUL AND SEDUCTIVE MOTHER: “She will always do everything right… her daughter can be her rival, causing serious self-confidence problems.”
This type of mother has identity problems, she has been little loved and her desires are unsatisfied. She flaunts her beauty and her goal is to attract attention. She constantly compares herself with her daughter to show her that she is more beautiful, intelligent and powerful, then jealousy and envy appear, coloring the entire bond and producing a destructive effect.
Seductive mother:
– She does not approve of her daughter’s decisions and does not take into account the feelings that her daughter experiences because of them.
– Teach your daughter that only her needs count.
– She has a lot of difficulty encouraging her daughter to be feminine.
– She expresses herself with phrases like “look how beautiful! I did it, who else was going to make something so perfect?”
Seduced daughter:
– She blames herself and takes it out on her partner. She looks imperfect and is disoriented by her mother’s constant scorn.
– She dresses in clothing that covers her body to react to her mother’s continuous displays.
– She is efficient in all fields except femininity, where she ends up withdrawing. This type of daughter must distance herself from her mother to organize her own life, forgetting revenge and outbursts of anger to achieve her own identity.
4. GUILT-CREATING MOTHER OR VAMPIRE MOTHER. “She lives at the expense of her daughter, complaining of suffering from a real or fantastic psychic or somatic illness.”
This type of mother is weak, dependent and places duties or responsibilities on her daughter that she does not assume. It magnifies your daughter’s abilities and her possibilities of coping with big problems and situations. If the daughter claims her right to an independent life or with another person, the feeling of guilt appears in her, if her mother feels self-pity, she will feel guilty about it. This type of mother claims to feel alone and is always complaining; She tells everyone that she is the victim, that she has always sacrificed so much for her daughter, nullifying her own identity.
Vampire mother:
– She pities herself to seek compassion in others, she is always hurting something or is worried or suffers with everyday problems…
– If you are not with her, you are against her.
– Get everyone to pay attention to your needs even if you don’t admit it and make others believe that it is the opposite.
Vampiric daughter:
– She feels guilty about the life she leads, the people around her, the family she has and even about being happy, but she doesn’t dare to communicate it.
– She needs to be by his mother’s side, protecting her in an exaggerated way, sometimes blaming himself with compulsive thoughts for events in which he had nothing to do: “if I had acted differently, none of this would have happened.”
– It has a very high level of over-demand sometimes accompanied by psychosomatic illnesses, absence of childhood and a model of sacrifice. She thinks that she must improve herself day by day to make her mother happy.
– On occasions and from a very early age, they must maintain the domestic organization or emotionally support their parents. This type of daughter must stop seeing her mother as a victim and face the guilt complex, acting despite her existence.
5 – There are other types of mothers, such as the EXHIBITIONIST-MANIPULATOR, who appropriates her daughter’s successes as if they were her own and exhibits her daughter as the best and most beautiful in the world, imperatively depending on what others think. ; and at the other extreme, the DISQUALIFIER, which atrophies the daughter’s self-esteem because her achievements never satisfy her, demonstrating that she does not value herself and projecting her low worth onto her daughter.
All these descriptions of the bonds between mothers and daughters occur in reality with diverse variations and mixtures, and can become unhealthy depending on the intensity with which they develop in each specific case. A separate issue due to its complexity are adoptions, since the relationship between the mother and the adopted daughter will depend on the conditions of the adoption, the approach that she takes to become the adopting mother, the characteristics of the girl…
To recover our mother’s worth we must “get away” from her; It is difficult for the two to sever a blood bond full of similarities and differences, since the path to true independence has never been easy.
R. Puerto
