There are 5 basic forms of “difficult bonds” that mothers and daughters maintain and in which each of them loses, symbiotics or blurs themselves when relating to each other.
1. “We are united forever.” Their relationships with others suffer because the primary thing is always the mother-child bond.
– Women who are proud of their intimacy, and use their codependency to avoid adulthood, intimacy with others, and the fear of losing each other.
– Mothers and daughters who call each other frequently, even daily, and consider themselves very connected, although they always end up reproaching each other.
– Both repeat models of adolescence, that of the adult mother and the child daughter, but there is resentment on both sides, because they do not really understand each other.
– Underneath this uncomfortable relationship lies a covert dependence based on the inability to stop playing their roles.
2. “We look like the dog and the cat.” The daughter and mother seem to be very close and have a lot of affection for each other, but they have created an atypical relationship in which they try to act like “adults” with each other, omitting their differences and needs.
3. “Our relationship is cold and distant.” Mother and daughter seem to be autonomous and adults, they only see each other when family life requires it.
– They can be very busy in their respective activities and jobs, they can live very far away and have very different lifestyles.
– One or both of them can act as if they are doing very well like this.
– Underneath all this there may be a resentment that hurts from the past, a longing to reconnect and a feeling of guilt, in the cold distance intervened by one or both of them.
4. “We are like friends.” Although they apparently share many things, both will find a way to get their way and hurt or reject the other.
– It is a relationship in which neither wins, based on the hidden dependence of one on the other or of both on each other.
5. “Let me help you, daughter.” The “helping” mother seeks to remain close to her daughter and atone for her own guilt.
– Offering her things that her daughter doesn’t need, but she almost always accepts, which is why she continues to feel small.
– If the daughter rejects the mother’s help, she feels guilty, while the mother’s pain and feeling of guilt upon knowing that she has hurt her daughter motivates her to try to solve it with methods she used when she was little. – Mother and daughter are united by guilt and fear of independence.
If we look at the mother/daughter bond……
Feelings that characterize, with greater or lesser intensity, the deepest bond that exists in the life of every woman, the relationship with her mother:
– Love-hate – acceptance-rejection – distance-approach
– We idolize her as children, we hate her during puberty, our enemy during adolescence and, if everything went more or less well, we understand and value her as adults, getting closer to her.
– The mother-daughter relationship is almost always on the limits; It is indefinable and inalienable.
– It is different, even between sisters. – Like any growing link, it is mutant: it transforms and transforms.
– It is necessary to give ourselves the opportunity to review it and, if necessary, modify it or transmute it into something else.
– Women build our “I” and our feminine identity in this relationship.
– Situations that increase conflicts between mothers and daughters.
a) Abandonment.
– The abandonment, absence or indifference of the mother permanently, forgetting her obligations or neglect prevent the natural “symbiosis” of the daughter with the mother from occurring. – That is, the bond of intimacy, of basic trust, of the fading of personal limits in the early stages of human development.
b) The competition between mother and daughter.
– A good-bad polarity is established from the mother that prevails throughout the entire relationship, triggering envy and jealousy between the two.
c) The constant interference in the daughter’s life. – The consequences are chronic infantilism, immaturity.
– She is the overprotective mother, solicitous to the point of confusion, the one who solves everything, even the slightest difficulty, phobic of everything new (friendships, activities outside the closest environment, ideas).
d) Codependent relationships where mothers, through blackmail and manipulation, try to live at the expense of their daughter.
– “Vampiric” bonds—where the mother lives at the expense of the daughter—can occur because the mother holds the daughter hostage, shielded by a real or fantasized psychic or somatic illness. – They are weak, dependent mothers; They place duties or responsibilities on their daughters that they do not assume (care of other children, the sick, their parents, etc.).
– The daughter’s capacity is magnified, since from a very early age she must face great problems and situations. – This level of demand for the daughter deprives her of living her childhood, turns her into a model of a life of sacrifice and over-adaptation, which causes serious psychosomatic conditions in her.
e) Disqualification.
– Disqualification, constant criticism due to excessive demands in different areas of performance (school, behavior, intelligence, aptitudes, beauty, friendships, etc.) – Caused, most of the time, by the insufficient personal appreciation of the mother who is projected onto the daughter, it atrophies the daughter’s self-esteem, making her feel insecure, unworthy.
Mothers and daughters, who causes conflicts?
Conflicts between mother and daughter originate from negative feelings that are never expressed.
Do good mother-daughter relationships exist?
– When the daughter sees her mother objectively, as a fallible person, not perfect, as someone who lives a continuous learning process and does her best in everything she does, she will be able to relate better to her.
– When there is a good mother-daughter relationship, “effective and emotional” communication is an element that is always present.
– “Effective” communication involves the expression of agreements and disagreements, as well as what one thinks, being sure that their ideas will be heard and valued. Its most important value is deep communication.
I hope it has been helpful to you as an introduction to this intense and profound topic that continually comes up in therapy and in women’s circles.
Rosa Puerto
