I think to some extent, we all have it. This is why I think the topic of this article is so important: hypocrisy is something we are all capable of. The trend is latent within each and every one of us. And I think we all need to understand and work to be aware of that.
Being Spiritual is worthless if you can’t hold space for others.
So, here’s the thing.
We could make a perfect asana for Instagram.
We could meditate for at least an hour a day.
We can pray. Say mantras. Do mudras. Send love to the world
We could have a treasure trove of crystals and other spiritual trinkets.
We could do elaborate daily rituals, eat a cruelty-free diet, and fast every month.
We could burn incense, smile all day, say affirmations, and say “love and light” or “namaste” a lot.
We could call ourselves spiritual seekers, healers, empaths, intuitives, old souls or yogis.
But in my humble opinion, all this means absolutely nothing at all if we cannot show compassion and be available to others.
The hypocrisy of saccharine spirituality
But there are some things in life that tend to trigger, provoke and exacerbate this hypocrisy. In this case, I am referring to a certain popular variety of spirituality.
What exactly do I mean?
I call it Saccharine Spirituality, and it’s a type of spirituality that is defined by a sickly sweet emphasis on “good vibes only” and “love and light” without much real-life depth or rawness.
Saccharine spirituality is the type of spirituality that involves worshiping “feeling good” and “high vibration,” but actively avoiding, denying, or rejecting anything negative and uncomfortable.
Saccharine spirituality is about feeling empowered, developing self-love, and celebrating modern forms of spirituality that look good on the surface, but at the same time, produces a phobia of anything too real, too emotionally challenging, too gory, dirty, too much “no wake up” or “low vibration”.
And it doesn’t take much to see that saccharine spirituality is alive and thriving more than ever. We can literally see it everywhere: on social media, in real life, and in all spiritual and religious spheres.
The first time I saw saccharine spirituality was in the Catholic church where I made my first communion (it was mandatory before in the 60s). I remember how the church passively rejected and ignored one of the women who had attended the church for many years. This woman’s husband had been prosecuted for child abuse and was going to prison. I was the only one who spoke to this soul, despite the fact that we were all supposed to be “brothers and sisters in Christ.” I was 7 years old.
I now witness this type of abandonment and hypocrisy in the spiritual realm.
I hear and witness that self-described sensitive “empaths” display an extraordinary lack of empathy and self-described judgment toward others.
I watch the “old souls” separate like animals.
I see spiritual seekers ostracize and react harshly to anyone who thinks critically.
I believe that “healers” are quick to fix, ignore, predict, or diagnose the suffering of others.
I observe how “seers / mystics / witches / yogis” love to talk and publish about themselves, but ignore knowing others on a deep level.
I’m sorry. I don’t care if you are a very talented healer or psychic. I’m not interested in whether you are an identified empath or a spiritual seeker. I don’t want to know how much mystical power or intuitive powers you have. Being spiritual doesn’t mean a shit if you can’t hold space for other people.
What does it mean to hold a space?
Maintaining space is very simple. It means being completely present with another person.
Holding space means giving another the opportunity to be fully heard, seen, and understood.
I’m not trying to fix, give advice or pathologize the other person, when I say take up space, I mean it in the simplest way possible: just be 100% for that person, without trying to change or force any advice on them.
Witnessing another person and being completely receptive to what they have to share is hardly practiced. How often have you felt deeply heard, seen, and understood by another? How often has someone sat with you and actually asked, “hey, share with me how you feel” and had space for all your joy or pain?
If you’re like most people: very rarely.
No wonder most of us are so emotionally starved. No wonder most of us are so desperate to be seen.
In a world full of stress, incessant business, emotional isolation and self-absorption, holding space for someone is the most valuable gift you can give.
That’s why I say that…… Being spiritual means nothing without this important practice.
Who cares if you have extrasensory gifts or can meditate for six hours straight? If you have deep self-knowledge or can you enter other planes of consciousness at will? If you can’t realistically incorporate those skills into your life, they mean nothing. If you can’t apply them practically, in the blood and grit of everyday life, they mean nothing. If you can’t connect or show kindness to others, they mean nothing. If you can’t sit down with a person and ask “Hello.” How are you really? «And actually listen with all your heart, don’t bother. In the end, if your style of spirituality encourages self-absorption and a superficial denial of feeling the pain of others, it is a waste of time. How to hold space for people…… Their pain, their doubts, their longings, their fearful thoughts: they are not mistakes, and they are not asking to be ‘healed’. They are asking to be retained. –Jeff Foster.
Holding space is about giving space. Too many times we jump to the part where we want to fix, teach, or heal the person or, even worse, monopolize the conversation, talk about ourselves, and “get on top” of the other person. But the truth is that most people (including me) are just looking for a person who will sit with them in all their joy or misery, whatever. Intelligent presence is at the core of what it means to have space. In other words, holding space means that we simply sit with a person and give them our undivided attention in the spirit of kindness. “Undivided attention!?”, you may think: “I don’t have the energy to do that!”, don’t worry.
I realize that holding space for others is not always possible. You’re not alone. If you’re like me, your energy reserves are very limited. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect that we will always have space for others, especially when we are tired, stressed, or sick. In that case, don’t be a martyr. Take care of yourself. Have a break. Go for a walk. Take a nap. Recharge your energy tank. But if you still struggle to hold space for others, there may be a deeper underlying issue you need to work on. For example, do you often feel like you are talking or interrupting others? Do most of your conversations focus on your problems, thoughts and feelings? Do you feel uncomfortable when others get too emotional? Do the deep topics of the conversation bother you? These are all signs that you don’t have space for yourself. In that case… how can you hold space for others when you have no space for yourself? If we ever hope to grow at a deep level and feel authentically connected to others, we have to learn to hold space for ourselves and others.
Here’s how to do it:
Focus Mindfully on Yourself How can you be receptive and open to others without doing the same for yourself? Tuning into your thoughts and feelings is a practice called mindfulness. It requires you to be curious about what is happening inside you. And to do that, you’ll need to slow down and breathe a little. Ask yourself, “How do I feel right now?” “What kind of thoughts/stories go through my head?” Also be aware of your body and notice any sensations, pain or tension you feel. Just be aware of how you feel and move on with your day.
Be transparent with yourself. Express how you feel in an authentic way. Allow yourself to be seen for yourself. To do this, find a notebook or journal that you can dedicate to your thoughts and feelings. Remembering every day what is troubling or worrying you will create more clarity in your life. Not only that, but when you make this therapeutic tool a habit, you will feel more emotionally balanced and able to truly hold space for others.
Release repressed emotions. Don’t allow your emotions to build up inside you. Find healthy outlets to express them, such as artwork, intense exercise, catharsis, or just a good cry. When we are motivated to “help” others out of the need to relieve our own internal discomforts, we are not being kind. We are not being empathetic. We simply are not. Instead, we are using others as a way to feel better about ourselves. Finding a safe form of catharsis will allow you to be calm and centered enough to show compassionate care toward yourself and others.
Learn to listen more than speak, be a master in the art of listening. If you are a person used to talking, experiment with being quiet and allowing others to talk. How do you feel when you don’t talk as much? You may feel a sense of relief, or alternatively, you may feel invisible or ignored. Check these feelings. If you feel uncomfortable allowing others to talk more than you, ask yourself “why?” In what ways do you depend on others to be seen and understood, rather than on yourself? Practicing active listening involves making eye contact, letting others speak uninterrupted, which indicates that you understand what the person is saying and that you are listening without judgment.
Let your mind be like water Listen to other people without forming responses in your mind. How often has someone shared something interesting and you miss the rest of what they say because you’re too busy crafting a smart/insightful response? It’s tempting to fill the gaps in conversations with thoughts. After all, our minds think about 800 words per minute, compared to the 125-150 words per minute we speak. But experiment by listening carefully to what a person says. If thoughts enter your mind, gently refocus your mind on what the person is saying. Then, after the person has stopped talking, give yourself a few seconds to gather thoughts and then respond. I promise that your answer will be much more attractive and interesting to the other person because you have gathered all the nuances and details (instead of forming a premature answer).
Let compassion guide you. The purpose of having space for another is not to be a saint. It’s not about being a martyr either. Or for entertainment or to obtain karmic points. Holding space for a person is an act of compassion, an expression of love towards another human being. Not only does it make you feel good, but it also makes the other person feel seen, heard and understood. What could be more precious than that?
Practice with a friend or family member. An easy way to practice is to schedule time each week with someone close to you, and exchange conscious presence with each other. Notice how it feels to be fully received by another person. Imagine giving that to others regularly!
Know your limits and take responsibility for yourself. Are you tired, cranky, overwhelmed, or unable to hold space for another? Just relax. It is normal and 100% good to feel this way. But make sure you take responsibility for how you feel.
Holding space for others doesn’t mean you have to be a cheater, a doormat, or an unnecessarily submissive person. Sometimes you will need to have space for yourself more than others. Sometimes there will be long periods of life when you cannot be present with others. That is normal. Not all of us can be Eckhart Tolle.
Then do the compassionate thing and draw a line. Learn to say kind words to others and be okay with that. If someone is becoming excessively clingy or needy, be assertive, draw clear boundaries, and step back firmly but attentively. It’s okay to be selective about who gets space, particularly if you dislike the person and have a hard time staying present with them. (Hey, we’re human!) You may also be short on time, but still want to save space for someone else. In this case, explain to the other that you only have a couple of minutes left, or set another date and time to catch up. Remember, holding space must come from a place of compassion and the desire to help others must be seen, heard and understood. If you do it out of obligation, pressure or duty, take a step back. Change of course. Do something else. The most important ingredient in holding space for another is the ability to hold space for yourself. By truly taking the time to listen from the heart to your inner feelings and thoughts, you will be better equipped to show the same to others. Spirituality is not just about learning to love ourselves. It’s also about learning to extend that love and care to others in a realistic way. One of the best and easiest ways to do this is to simply listen to others. You don’t have to always give them the pep talks. You don’t need to always rush to prescribe a solution to their problems. Often what people need most is a person who is receptive enough to simply listen without judgment. Being seen, heard, and completely understood in the presence of another living soul is one of the most healing forces in the world. I hope you take the time to share this gift with others.
